It’s been a while since I took the time to put some of my journey on paper; in this case in digital form I guess. I did a lot of this when I was younger and when I read what I wrote as a young adult I recognized the struggles that followed between suffering, surviving and thriving. A lot of the struggle was me striving for something different, not always better because a lot of the journey was unknown. I learnt as a youth, maybe as a child, that striving and struggle took me through moments of the strange and out of my comfort zone. Some of the suffering was imposed upon me and by my nature I could survive, not always without hurt or pain. As I got older I began to appreciate moments when I could thrive, those moments where I neither suffered nor simply survived. Those memories are sometimes harder to recall.
Memory is a complicated thing. It gets mixed up in wishful thinking, intrusive memories that can make me feel awkward, blurred lines of what happened and the story I’d like to tell. Again, as I get older memory may not need to be an absolute truth. Memory is what I can recall and how I make sense of it today. The more I practice recall and story telling my memories become more real, sometimes inspiring a repetition of that which makes me feel good, sometimes uncomfortable feelings emerge. Even in my memories I see my journey of suffering, surviving and thriving.
Suffering is the most uncomfortable pieces of my journey. Stories which I am not yet ready to tell myself, let alone tell others. Suffering is dominated by intolerable memories that are embedded in my body. Embedded as biological responses to trauma that I have a little control over. Suffering still has the greatest influence on my behavior; I associate suffering with pain, distress, and discomfort. At its worst it is a trauma response to something that my mind refuses to remember, but my biology that leaves me discomforted for moments at a time. I’m older now and there are skills I’ve learned to help me through those moments, My journey today includes longer stretches where I thrive. It is still difficult to witness the suffering that unfolds around others, many who will not survive at the hands others who take away opportunity to move through the struggles to move beyond simply surviving, while many may strive for something different other forces inflict pain and hurt and traumatize. Some else pain and suffering triggers my trauma response. Suddenly I’m distressed, suffering and struggling to survive. I don’t linger there long because I have experienced thriving and like the way I behave when I am thriving.
It is in thriving that I have become familiar with behavior as more than some action I perform. Behavior is an experience that includes my actions, my thoughts, my feelings and my responses to the sensory experience. Becoming mindful of my sensory experience was an informative moment in my life. It was amazing when I took time to “smell the roses”, or watch a sunset, or listen to the wind, or hear my heart beat for the first time. I remember a bumper sticker I saw one time as a child. Not saying that life’s wisdom is found on the bumpers of cars but it did make me think, and smile. It was as though I remember more about how it made me feel than what was really happening at the time. “Be Alert” is how it started, followed by three dots then… “the world needs more lerts”.
One of the first skills I lert was what I eventually understood to be awareness, more than just being alert, becoming conscious of the world around me. I was always a very alert person, in retrospect I was hyper-alert. I was hyper-aroused and could quickly see the danger that lurked behind every shadow. This awareness was not yet a resilient strength, it interfered too often with my daily activities and caused a great amount of early re-suffering, even pain. Fast forward a lifetime and this skill that I practiced for so long has a new name and purpose. I’ve come to know and embrace this skill as “mindfulness”. Of course it is not a new skill, I did not invent or discover it but I did learn to embrace it, practice it, benefit from it, and now I can talk about it.
Mindfulness was the most important skill I lert. I’m doing this mindfully, remember that as a child I wanted to be a lert. Maybe today I am, at least more of a lert than when I was young. Mindfulness can only get me so far. Too often while I took a mindful moment a memory, a thought, a feeling and physical sensation would intrude on the comfort of my mindful moment. And suddenly I was acting in a way I had not intended. This intrusion took me away to an experience that was no longer in this moment but shuffled into disarray and discomfort. I was suddenly no longer a lert, in these moments I would relive what I had suffered. Not what I wanted, not what I needed and not what kept me safe. Mindfulness alone was a portal to this moment, when this moment included thriving I flourished. I liked who I was when I could flourish, my actions, my thoughts, my feeling and my sensations comforting. I felt good. Mindfulness is important in the pursuit of a good life. A good life may not be free of suffering or surviving but can include loads of thriving. If I was to have intrusive memories I would want to have memories that made me feel good and helped me thrive. These feel good memories could help me live with those experiences and memories where I suffered. I can make different choices, I can chose to linger briefly in what brought me pain and recognize I am now safe, safe with the memories of how I thrive. I can connect with those who support my wellbeing. I can make new choices that connect me with a world that thrives and keep me safe. It is often a struggle, but need not suffer. I can thrive with what I have.
In the next blogs I will explore more of these skills that help me thrive and be more resilient. Mindfulness, stress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness are four skills that can help keep me safe, connected with good people and empower me to make benificial choices. I can’t tell you your story, but, I can tell you mine.